Me and my big mouth

I love McSweeneys. Really, I do. That's why I'm so confused as to why I sent them hate mail. My favorite section is their "McSweeneys Recommends". I check daily for updates. Yesterday I found some. I was dissappointed to say the least. During the last few months of reading their Recommendations I've noticed the list becoming increasingly bleh. Still, these people work hard and ask for nothing in return. I was mad at the world I think and they just happened to be on my screen when I felt I couldn't take it anymore. What I wrote is below. Do you think I was too harsh? At least I know they found it amusing because they posted it.

*All of the italics in the paragraph below are recommendations found on the McSweeneys Recommends list at one time or another.

Usually I try not to be too critical. I make it a point not to write hate mail or blast people on blogs or chat rooms just to impose my superior opinion. But please McSweenys staff, who is hacking into your Recommends list? It used to be authentic. It used to be real. I’d find rare gems, real recommendations that I loved but never had the courage to pay forward to someone else. Recommendations like The sound a large book makes when snapped shut and Ice Fishing are classic. Who ice fishes? Nobody! Which is why it makes such a good recommendation! I’ll try it now. But, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter? I can’t believe you listed that. Everyone has tried that stuff. Hence, its popularity. Its not a diamond in the rough(ruff? I don’t know). It’s not flying under the radar. Everyone has tried it. It has no underground fan base or unexpected ingredient which makes it unique. It is internationally recognized as a good substitute for butter! Which is exactly why it is not in need of a Recommendation.

Your game is slipping. Your aim should be to highlight the overlooked and the taken for granted of. The Recommendation should solicit a nostalgic “Oh yeah, I forgot about that” or a “Mmm…tacos”. Every idiot in California watches Laguna Beach, myself included (step No.1, admitting it). It is in no way overlooked or underappreciated. TV Spots for Jarhead? What the hell, man? I hate Jake Gyllenhaal and the ambiguous You-think-you’re-so-much-better-than-me-Guess-what-you’re-NOT Sarsgaard. It’s getting plenty of Mtv, Young Hot Hollywood exposure as it is. I hope someone’s paying you for your asskissing. Please, wait. I didn’t mean that. I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry. Come back. You got to understand that I love you guys. I really do. But my love is waning with each step you take wading into mainstream.

Refrigerating Fresh Grapes I give you. That is a true Recommendation. Cold, crisp grapes bursting in your mouth are great. And Roman Holiday that’s also a headliner. But, Punching It In? I feel sorry for whoever thinks that is exciting enough to list. I can only picture a bunch of poseurs at McDonalds eating BigMacs with their pinkies up, cocking their head like parrots and “Punching It In” cheering “MickeyD’s! Alright!”

Holding a Soft Baby Chick. What’s with the patronization! Everyone wants to hold a soft baby chick. The desire is innate. But please keep in mind that the majority of your readers are from metropolitan areas. Unlike McSweeneys office headquaters we don't have cute fuzzy animals nesting in mail bins and desk drawers, wild animal life crawling to and fro throughout the office, tropical birds flying through halls. Most people work in REAL offices where the only animal life we see is usualy in the mail sorting department and excons look at you weird when you pet them too long. It’s like listing Riding a Unicorn, everyone wants to do it but only a selected few have access, primarily princesses. Where we come from baby chicks are scarce and usually in marshmallow form and those just don’t feel the same, they melt.

Root Beer is great, so are Binder Clips. But I’ll be damned if I eat Wolfgang Puck Canned Soup, listening to Nina Simone while telling my sister to hit up TripleDub.McSweeneys.net.

On a separate note, I’m probably not going to read, The Real Life of Sebastian Knight by Vladimir Nabokov solely because of your description of it being a “tour de force”. Everything is a “tour de force” nowadays. Please have your writers stop trying to write like writers and write like real writers. Day-yum Gina!

Okay, I think I’m done.

Bye.

Ajah

Editor's Note: Ajah later offered an addendum.

I just found out that Nina Simone and Nina Sky are two separate entities, the former of which is cool and the latter of which is not. I would like to retract any statement made on October 17, 2005, that might have reflected negatively on whichever Nina is not a reggaeton bumping bordiqua duo.

Thank you,

Ajah